BACK-TO-SCHOOL SPECIAL
Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attention.
Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can!
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pupil: Life imprisonment!
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!
You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
No, sir, not a bit
TEACHER: You're late again!
PUPIL: Sorry, sir, I overslept.
TEACHER: You mean you sleep at home as well as here?
JANE: Mum, I've been banned from cookery lessons because I burnt something.
MOTHER: Well that doesn't sound too terrible. What did you burn?
JANE: The school kitchen.
Our teacher talks to herself; does yours?
Yes, but she doesn't realise it; she thinks we're actually listening!
Mrs. Johnson asked the class to write a composition about what they would do if they had a million dollars. Everyone except Fannie began to write. Fannie twiddled her thumbs and looked out the window. When Mrs. Johnson collected the papers, Fannie's sheet was blank. "Fannie," said Mrs. Johnson, "everyone has written two pages or more, but you've done nothing. Why is that?" "Nothing is what I'd do," replied Fannie, "if I had a million dollars.
"TEACHER: Can you spell atrociously?
PUPIL: Sure, and I have an F to prove it.
A teacher took his class on a nature trail through the woods. He stopped by a tree and said, 'Brian, can you tell me what the outer part of a tree is called?'
'I don't know, sir,' said Brian.
'Bark, boy, bark!' said the teacher.
'OK, sir,' said Brian. `Woof! Woof!'
Now, children,' said the teacher as the school party was about to board the Channel ferry. `What do we say if one of the pupils falls into the sea?'
Up went Fred's hand. Pupil overboard, sir!'
Very good,' said the teacher.
`And what do we say if one of the teachers falls into the sea?'
'It depends which teacher it is, sir.'
A Good Teacher
One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know".
The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!
A Train Ride
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up?
Santa! The other two don't exist!
What do Snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off!
My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."
The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."
The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player? She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
